Conflict Basics

Freshman Year · Emotions · Required Lesson

Conflict Basics

25–30 minutes Medium Required

Destination

By the end of this conversation, the mentee should be able to explain the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict, and practice turning a “you” statement into an “I” statement.

Stop 1 of 4

Talk

Goal: Understand how the mentee currently handles disagreement, and normalize that conflict itself isn’t the problem—how it’s handled is.

“Conflict isn’t a sign a relationship is broken. Every close relationship has disagreements—the difference between a healthy one and an unhealthy one is how the conflict gets handled, not whether it happens.”

Choose three to five questions

1. What’s a recent disagreement you had with a friend or family member?
2. Do you tend to speak up during conflict, avoid it, or something in between?
3. Has a disagreement ever actually made a relationship stronger? What happened?
4. What’s something that makes a conflict escalate and get worse for you?
5. What usually helps you cool down when you’re upset?
Mentor Tip: Some mentees have only seen conflict modeled in unhealthy ways—yelling, silent treatment, or avoidance. This is a chance to show a different pattern is possible, not to imply their past experiences with conflict were wrong.

Stop 2 of 4

Learn

Conflict is normal—even healthy

Disagreement is a normal part of any close relationship. Healthy conflict, handled well, can actually build trust and understanding. It’s not the disagreement itself that causes damage—it’s how people communicate during it.

Route 21 Big Idea:
The goal isn’t to avoid conflict—it’s to disagree in a way that leaves the relationship intact, or even stronger, once it’s resolved.

Healthy vs. unhealthy conflict

HealthyUnhealthy
Focuses on the specific issueBrings up unrelated past issues
Uses “I” statementsUses blame, name-calling, or accusations
Takes a break to cool down if neededEscalates until someone shuts down
Aims for a resolution both people can live withAims to “win” or be right

The “I” statement formula

“I feel ___ when ___ because ___. I need ___.”
Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
Try: “I feel unheard when I get interrupted, because I want my ideas to matter too. I need a chance to finish what I’m saying.”

“I” statements describe your own experience instead of accusing the other person—which makes them less likely to get defensive and more likely to actually hear you.

The cool-down pause

If a conversation is getting too heated to think clearly, it’s okay to say: “I need a few minutes before we keep talking about this.” Taking a break isn’t avoiding the conflict—it’s making sure the conversation actually goes somewhere productive.

A note on safety: These skills are for regular disagreements between people who generally respect each other. If a conflict ever involves threats, intimidation, or makes you feel unsafe, that’s not something to resolve on your own—talk to a trusted adult right away.

Stop 3 of 4

Try

Rewrite it as an “I” statement

Take a real “you” statement from a recent disagreement and turn it into an “I” statement using the formula.

The “you” statement___________
I feel ___ when ______________
Because ___. I need ______________
How does saying it this way feel different from the original version?

Choose Your Route

Pick the video that best fits your time and interest today. You only need to watch one.

Level 1 · Quick Stop

Conflict Resolution: How to Settle Your Differences Fairly

Approximately 3–5 minutes

A clear, credible BrainPOP explainer on negotiation, compromise, and why always needing to “win” backfires.

Watch the Quick Stop
Talk afterward: Was there an idea in the video that changed how you think about “winning” a disagreement?

Level 2 · Scenic Route

Conflict Resolution Skills for Teens

Approximately 8–10 minutes

A health-class style walkthrough of conflict resolution skills, including communication and compromise.

Take the Scenic Route
Talk afterward: Which skill from the video do you already use, and which one is new to you?

Level 3 · Open Road

Conflict Resolution & De-Escalation with Teens

Approximately 10–15 minutes

A deeper look at de-escalation techniques for when conflict starts to get heated.

Explore the Open Road
Talk afterward: What’s one de-escalation technique from the video you’d actually use?
Mentor Reminder: Let the mentee choose the route whenever possible. The “I” statement practice above matters more than the video.

Stop 4 of 4

Grow

Reflection

What’s one thing you’ll try differently next time you’re in a disagreement?
Is there a current conflict where an “I” statement might help?
What’s your go-to way to cool down when things get heated?
What questions do you still have?

It gets easier with practice

“I” statements can feel awkward or unnatural the first few times. That’s normal—like any new skill, it gets more comfortable the more it’s used.

How can your mentor help?

How can Route 21 help?

Would it help to role-play a real upcoming conversation before you have it?
Mentor Wrap-Up:
Did the mentee practice a real “I” statement, not just a hypothetical example? Did the conversation reinforce that conflict itself is normal, rather than something to always avoid?